Author: Meg Roberts

Educator. Learner. Runner. Writer. TBD.

Portland’s Front Yard

One of my favorite places to be on a sunny day is in downtown Portland.  I’m trapped for just a little while inside a Starbucks, due to a needed battery jolt for my laptop, but in about 41% charging I’ll be back outside where the sun is shining in a very non-PDX manner and the entire city seems to be wandering around.  There is evening a Ben & Jerry’s truck giving away free ice cream.  Welcome to summer ladies and gentlemen.

I think my love for this section of Portland is about the potential held in this space, the same way I find great peace at the altar of a church because of the sermons given there.  At Pioneer Square, you spot tourists with luggage, musicians hoping for spare change, walking tours staring at the engraved bricks, reuniting friends, and did I mention the free ice cream?  With Max lines running on all four sides, I imagine it’s just a little of what Times Square feels like with constant change, constant arrival, and constant movement onward.  Sometimes there are festivals set up in the middle of the Square, with music blasting that you can hear from blocks away.  I still remember sitting outside for a semi-religious gathering where I wondered at the music that seemed so hopeful yet wasn’t really saying anything real.  Two miles away there is commotion taking place for the Blues Festival, but today there is just sunshine, wandering, and ice cream (too bad I’m not hungry).

This morning I ran through part of this same area.  I was solo this morning and a bit bored with my normal loop, so instead I wandered to see if I could find part of the Portland Marathon course and the train station.  I did have to get Siri’s help once, but otherwise enjoyed the process of getting lost and unlost again.  With the river on one side and buildings on the other, as long as I didn’t mix up those two sides all would be well. = )

In the midst of all this potential, and free wi-fi, I’m taking advantage of the atmosphere of potential to consider some of my own future options.  I took an hour to research doctoral programs before feeling a bit Ikea-overwhelmed (so many options but none are quite perfect).  Next up was airline tickets.  This January I’m headed to Maui for a few days to visit my grandparents.  Last year I visited family in Chicago in hopes of reconnecting and finding snow; the first goal was achieved while the second ended up just a few pathetic plops in the shadows.  So this time I’m hoping for a bit of winter tan, running by the ocean, and getting to see some of the flowers my grandfather has been taking pictures of for the past few years.   I’m going for a lot of different reasons, including the fact that on Facebook I said that 31 would be the year of meaningful change.  Time to embrace that declaration!

Academic Ministry

St. Francis of Assisi once said, “Preach the Gospel at all times; if necessary use words.”  A few generations later, John Lennon explained that “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”  I believe that somewhere between these two famous men is the concept of academic ministry.

I’ve been defining and refining this concept in my own life and work for over five years now, since I started my working life as a Records Office Assistant.  My daily tasks primarily included transcript evaluations, printing transcripts, recording grades, directing foot traffic, and processing add/drop paperwork.  I met with almost every student, faculty, and staff member from campus, as well as prospective students and alumni who needed paperwork completed or had wandered into the wrong area of Egtvedt.  I loved the variety of questions, tasks, and people to work with.  What I didn’t love was that all of these interactions were often 5 minutes or less, and that my role was primary to make some predetermined goal take place, not to enter into conversation about the purpose and implications of that goal.  And there were many times, especially during the quiet summer months, that I was quite bored.  During the slow times, when all of the grad checks, transcript requests, and evaluations were completed, I would work on archive transcripts.  Oh yes, my free time project was doing data entry for students who had attended the college more than 30 years prior.  To keep myself relatively sane, I looked at these transcripts in the same way that I had once looked at a blank page in a coloring book: it was not truly “alive” until it was complete.  As a child, I had to be careful with my color decisions because whatever character or creature I was coloring would be that shade of blue forever.  And now I had a duty to Joe Student to enter his grades correctly because that made his history real and forever.

If you’ve read this far then you may be wondering what archive transcripts and data entry has to do with ministry.  My proposal is that academic ministry is what happens thru the paperwork, through the data.   For four years I’ve served as an Academic Counselor to a rich variety of students.  Some have been open about their goals for their education, shared about their families, and been friendly during interactions no matter how significant or trivial.  Others have mentioned tuition costs in every email, questioned the ethics of the staff, or coyly mentioned a friend in the legal field.  They all worked with me because they wanted to graduate, and my role with paperwork was what got them there.  These students contacted me for a task oriented purpose, but I believe we can offer them so much more.

For example, in one of my cohorts there were a husband and wife who came in for degree planning.  They took turns with one in the car while the other came into my office (if I had realized the arrangement at the time I would have suggested a more air-conditioned option, but hindsight is 20/20).  I met with the wife second, I believe, talked through her course needs, which were minimal, asked about her experience so far, and chatted a bit about her work.  The conversation was not too memorable and we made plans for how she would be able to graduate on time.  All was set, done, and happy to move forward.

Over a year later I learned from classmates and current instructor that this student’s mother had died while she was in class.  I was invited to the funeral, as was the rest of the class, a week later.  I had to go.  There really was no question, because if there was I would have found a pathetic, but acceptable, excuse not to drive 40 minutes for a funeral on a Saturday afternoon while family was in town.  But I had to go; I just didn’t know why yet.

The why became clear at the end of the service, as the attendees stood in a circle for the benediction.  I had been listening to stories for over an hour about a good woman who was truly loved by family and will be missed.  And now for the first time I was standing next to my student, who noticed me there for the first time.  In her eyes was complete shock.  I had not RSVP’d or anything for this event, and the invitation was general not just to me, so she stared at me for about 10 seconds with confusion slowly shifting to appreciation.  In that moment, and for the rest of the benediction as she hugged me, I was not Meg, I was not her Academic Counselor; I was her school embracing her.

A few weeks later she sent me a card, “I remember when you mentioned to our cohort about some student thinks you a ‘stalker.’ Hahaha.  I really don’t mind that now especially not that I know how passionate you are with the students you adviser.  Thank you so much for being there for me and my family.”

I share this story for the same reason that I share about entering archive transcripts.  I came to know this student through the paperwork, through the data that can get so boring and so tedious.  But without that paperwork, this student would have never walked into my office; I would never have had the beginning of a connection to serve her later through.  Once upon a time those transcripts gave me connections too; brief ones to history and to the potential future.  And the classroom is the same balance of required attendance, reading, and assignments which leads to discussion, enlightenment, and hopefully transformation.  We as humans have goals, such as to earn a degree and get a better paying job, and those wants help us to get to our true needs, like to connect with another human and find more meaning to life than just a paycheck.

Academic ministry is preaching the gospel through the planning of a life.

Victim of Grace

“I am afraid.”

“I know.  You don’t have to be.  Whatever happens in your life goes through God’s hand first before he allows it to come to you.  Todd taught me that when we were together in Spain, and it changed my perspective on so many things.  I know I’ve told you this before, but, Katie, we have to remember that we’re not victims of all the horrible things that happen on this planet.  We’re victims of grace.  God’s expansive grace.  It all comes from him and is allowed by him.  Even the terrible and destructive things in life.” – from finally & forever, by Robin Jones Gunn

This past weekend was not one of the best on record so I dove into some literary comfort last night for a few hours, reading in bed until well past midnight so I could be swept up in the lives of Katie, Eli, Jim, Cheryl, and other characters living in Kenya.  Once you start getting into the AM hours, the beauty of a fictional new well in an African village can be quite exciting.

Robin Jones Gunn has been my literary comfort food for years now.  I first discovered her Christy Miller series through some friends in high school and have since then read the entire series (including the Sierra Jensen and Katie Weldon spin offs) multiple times, along with a few of her other adult books.  These stories seem almost effortless in how they combine life, love, faith, friendship, and the search for God in the everyday.  I give these stories credit for a turning point in my faith journey, and for the bracelet I wear every day to remind me of God’s plan and to pray for my future partner in life.  For several years I found myself connecting with Christy, trying to understand a potential Todd in my life who did not see the girl in front of him who was hoping for more than just friends.  Along with this character, I learned that my faith was more than just an end, eternal destination; it had to be a lifestyle now if it was going to be anything.  After college, I found myself drifting more to Sierra as I longed for adventure more than stability.  I wanted her creative view of the world and ability to see beauty in nature, in poetry, in an English castle.  Then Katie became my connection point as I read through the series a third time; this cycle during graduate school in Pennsylvania.  The cute red-head who often spoke first, and apologized later, seemed to resonate with my attempts to tight walk in the adult world.  Plus she was learning to support the changing romantic relationships around her while God continued to grow her through singleness.  Katie-Girl’s questions echoed my own, and the answers she received became mine too.

And last night’s reading marathon did far from disappoint this pattern.  After reading the paragraph quoted above, I read through the page several more times, trying to understand how being a victim could be viewed in such a positive light.  In my definition, being a victim is always negative, usually painful, and involves someone in power impacting you in ways beyond your will or control.  Why in the world would I want to be a victim?

I may have finished the book last night, but I have not come to answer to this paradox quite yet.  And that’s fine.  If I had, then I would not have spent 20 minutes this evening looking for the paragraph to type into this blog.   The question matters more than the answer this week, for the question challenges the individualized, independent, self-sufficient, materialistic, consumer, logical, scientific, and down-right messed up view of the western world.  Being a “victim of grace” is contrary to the promises of the 2012 political season that believes Americans can fix the economic struggles around us with just the right bill or tax cut.  Being a “victim” means submitting to the other.  And how does one find an other worthy of trusting?  How do you submit every day, while still having personality and free will?

Welcome to my late night paradox.

Should

On Thursday night, just after midnight, I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling and asking God what I should be doing next with my life.  It’s not a new conversation but rather the frequent verse of a song He and I have been dancing silently to for months.  Ever since completing my seminary degree I’ve been asking “Now what?”

I know there is answer because two years ago I asked if I could drop out, and the answer was as close to audible as possible: “No!”  I didn’t get the why then but kept going to Greek and a year later to Hebrew.  I struggled so much with these two courses.  Yes, I ended each semester with an “A” grade on the report card, but I felt lost each and every time I opened the book or attempted to answer a question in class.  I hated that feeling so much and felt just enveloped by it.  In fall of 2011, I struggled with months of lasting depression that I could not identify or explain until I failed a Hebrew quiz in January.  Slipping out of the room to cry I finally understood.  There is only so long you can feel like an idiot, that you can run into the same wall over and over again before the tears come.  That realization was freeing because it gave me a choice: do I walk away from the course now (and possibly from the degree) or do I embrace five more months of feeling like an idiot for four hours every Monday?  I chose the latter, in part for that divine “No” a year before and in part because I knew I would hate myself much more in the long run for giving up.  I returned to class, put verb conjugations on my iPod for the gym, and kept stacks of vocabulary cards in the living room, bathroom, and my purse.  In August of 2011 I was done, but not quite sure why.

Skip ahead through months of asking, waiting, reading for pleasure, running, loss of family members, journeys to London and Chicago, more asking, and more waiting.  I’ve put my toes into new experiences with coaching, mentoring, and urban ministry.  I’ve signed up for my first marathon.  I’ve said yes to the social invitations I had to deny for so long.  But the overarching vision has been missing.

So on Thursday night I repeated the question again, and acknowledged that one benefit of the wait has been seeking God’s guidance more than normal.  I may be a girl with two religion degrees, but its amazing how little I interact with the Creator.  Just past midnight I felt like there was almost an answer for once, “Write.”  Now God has given me beyond a doubt answers three times in my life, and this one does not get to be added to the list, but at the same time I’m not sure the answer was just me.  For one thing, if I was answering my own question it would have been a lot more clear, like “Pursue a Business Degree through Warner”, “Move to London to be a tour guide at Westminster Abbey”, or “Stay exactly where you are because a change is coming in 6 months.”  I sure as heck would not have said “Write”.  Write what?  A thesis?  A dissertation?  A blog?  A letter?  A Match.com application? (please not that one).

So I’ve given God a three-month deadline for some clarity before I make some of my own changes.  In one of my Bible classes at Western Seminary I remember the professor describing how in the Psalms, which we sing so sweetly in church, David would sometimes bargain with God, promising to give Him all the glory if a desired outcome turned out (I method I’ve been attempting with a family dispute for over five years with no luck YET).  And a book I read by Jerry Sittser about unanswered prayer described the importance of honesty with God, since He knows what I’m thinking anyways.  So I’m thinking I need vision, and would prefer it to be eternal but will substitute a little earthly one until He speaks a little louder.  This is not a threat, ultimatum, or blackmail; just a first draft submission.  I know I may not like His response, but I am ready to accept it.

Essay for a Girls on the Run Contest

By the time I was in Middle School I knew my identity very well: I was a band nerd who read lots of books and stunk at sports.  I volunteered to be the lap counter or take attendance for gym to avoid being the last one across that finish line.  During lunch I hid in the library, escaping the courtyard where a game might start for me to lose at.  I wouldn’t say I was miserable, but I certainly was not happy or free in those days.

Years later (more years than a lady is supposed to share), I finally own my body, my choices, and my health.  I’ve learned that running is not a competition to lose.  I’ve learned that lacing up my shoes and stepping outside my door makes me a winner.  And I’ve learned the pure simple joy of running through a new neighborhood, of going farther than the week before, of running beside another athlete and sharing a bit of our stories.

This freedom is why I coach.  I’m inspired to coach by the 6th grader in my past who didn’t know how fun running around that track could be.  I want my girls to realize that there are no boundaries, that there are no expectations they are limited or defined by.  They can be anything and everything they want to be.  They can be inspirations right now at 10 years old and one day when they are 21, 35, or 72.

In Love

I have never been “in love” with another person.  I love my family, for all of their blessings and struggles, and I love my friends, who from time to time become my family.  I’ve had some high quality crushes in the past that ended with wimpers as the gentlemen involved, who I assume had no idea, moved on to relationships in the real world rather than my daydreams.  And I’ve loved students or children I’ve worked with, knowing these individuals are part of my life for a time and need to just be loved during that time and then released.  But in all of that time I’ve never experienced the emotions that inspire writers of sonnets, heroes in battle, or the ones who wait patiently at home for their hero to return.

I have been “in love” with places though.  I’ve come to find sacred spaces in my life that I go through an emotional release just by being in.  One of these places is the front of a sanctuary, any sanctuary.  Being in the same physical space where thousands of sermons have been given, hundreds of weddings performed, and hundreds of last goodbyes spoken at funerals almost brings me to tears.  You are standing on holy ground.  When I’ve had internships at churches in the past, I loved sneaking into the sanctuary on a weekday afternoon, and just walking up the aisle to those front stairs.  I would not speak until reaching the stairs, and even then every uttered syllable had to be worth breaking the quiet.  I would only stay a few minutes in that space, for fear that my wandering thoughts would spoil the room, but the rest of the day shifted just by those few moments of complete worship.

This week I had to say goodbye to a beloved place in my life.  For over two years I’ve been working with a group of students at Warner Pacific’s Wilsonville Campus.  We only had two groups at that location during this short time, and unfortunately found that there was not enough interest to financial support it long-term.  I was scared at first to be the counselor for this location after learning of the struggles of another campus location and wondering what this whole new area would bring.  Would I be good enough for them?  What I discovered about these students was that they were sacrificing more than what I was experiencing with our other students because many of them had waited months for this campus to begin, and some were driving 30 minutes or more to get there from Salem or other southern locations.  The experience was not perfect, we all were human after all, but it was a true delight.

While I am missing that campus and those students, I’m missing just as much and perhaps even more the drive from Portland to Wilsonville.  It was a 40 minute commute no matter the time of day.  I would head down I-205 to I-5 then take the exit by the Sonic sign and enjoy a quick trip through town to the high school.  The beautiful paradox of the drive came during the last few miles of I-205.  The road at this point was just two lanes, with the other two on the other side of a mound.  On either side of these last miles were miles and miles of trees.  Even though there were typically cars around me, I would feel transported to some wilderness space, feeling free from the burdens behind me and capable of just driving off into the woods for an adventure (if not for the guard rails beside me).  Three minutes from this quiet bliss, via one overpass, I would be on a four lane highway: I-5.  Suddenly life had caught up in the form of a passing semi and the world was rushing back in.  Geographically it was like skipping from Alaska to California.  There were flat spaces all around, if you could see them beyond the cars and buildings.  A few times I laughed out loud at the complete change in just a few minutes time.  A few minutes later I would reach my exit and be within a long walk’s distance to the destination.

I loved that commuting paradox and would say thank you to its designer.  You created art in the midst of a 40 minute drive.

Militant Faith

On Friday night I spent my third time volunteering with Friday Night Stories, a ministry that comes from Second Stories.  I’ve mentioned the program before in this blog and how sharing hot dogs with strangers on the corner of 82nd and Powell is so very far from my comfort zones in a classroom or nursery.  This week was the first time that I lost all track of time and just talked with some people.  It just felt like someone’s front yard rather than a strange intersection.

The one who made the greatest impression on me that night was Travis, a recent transplant from New York City.  The discussion was about religion and tattoos, which made a lot os sense since he is in the process of having his left arm inked with some of the atrocities of the Catholic Church.  You see Travis is a Militant Atheist, which he explained means if there is ever a religious war he is prepared to pick up a gun.  Happily he is not going to start said war, just join in if necessary.  I mentioned at one point in the night that one of those guns would have to be pointed at me, but again happily he has bigger and worse fish to fry first and doubted he would have enough bullets to get to me.  What a strange comfort.  Throughout the conversation I found myself agreeing so much with his comments about the hypocrisy that is present in religion and how often God is used to defend bloodshed.  What I could not manage to say loud or clear enough is that those leaders, the nazis, the bad popes, the racists, the televangelists, do not speak for the masses of this faith.  I cannot say I hate these individuals with the same passion as Travis, but I do not claim the same view of God that they do.  He said that he took great comfort in knowing there is no God because he would not want to go to “their” heaven.  I wasn’t sure how to explain that those individuals he hates probably aren’t going to be there to get in his way.

At one point his friend declared that religion, any religion, is simply the greatest crutch mankind ever created.  The conversation veered off quickly, but I mulled over this metaphor throughout the rest of the night and how correct it is.  Religion, or rather God is a crutch.  But why does a person use a literal crutch?  Because they cannot stand on their own.  Because something is broken, either permanently or enough that it needs time to heal.  Sin is a permanently broken leg that means I cannot stand alone.  I need something / someone to help me walk straight and move forward.   Yesterday morning I completed a quarter marathon in upper 60s temperature, which felt like low 80s by the time I was done.  Once I crossed that finish line I received a charm necklace to celebrate which was all nice and good.  Then a teen offered a bottle of water…YES YES YES.  I was at the end of my strength, my power, and my will.  I needed this liquid crutch to make it another step, let alone the 20 stairs I had to climb to get out of the arena and back to my car.  I did not create the crutch, but I will depend on it with my life.

One last thought before I hit send, I wonder how Travis would react if I called myself a Militant Christian?  I wonder how I would act if I actually viewed myself that way?  What would it mean to have a militant faith?

Hiding in Plain Sight

I know exactly what I’m supposed to write about in this post but I don’t want to.  I know that I’m supposed to write about my father today with such clarity that there might as well be a syllabus sitting in front of me an a proctor wandering the room to ensure that I stay on topic.  But there isn’t really a syllabus or a proctor and I don’t want to write about him.  Instead I am sitting in the Tabor Space Coffee Shop, resting in quiet anonymity after coffee with friends.  There are about a dozen people here, plus a few little ones playing, crying, scrambling, waving, and wondering about the bright screen on a few tables around the room.  There is noise and activity, but none of these lovely individuals know me or the assignment that is before me.  They might think I’m Facebooking, perhaps grading a paper, or maybe writing that illusive great American novel that I have heard so much about (once upon a time I thought there really was a book called “The Great American Novel” and tried to find it in the library, but no luck).  They don’t know that I’m writing and writing without saying anything other than no, nyet, uh-uh, and other just as helpful rejection statements.  Perhaps I should ask one of these toddlers for some tantrum lessons because my own process seems doomed to failure.

Why do I have this assumed assignment about my father?  Because over the past few weeks I’ve had conversations with students, co-workers, and friends that included this bizarre hole in my life.  Just last night I had to dance around the topic twice as I attempted to explain with a smile on my face while I spent about 30 minutes weeping under a cross last fall rather than participating in a labyrinth with the rest of my department.   The whole story is just too grey to understand.  There is no black and white which is what verbal conversation demands.  But print, especially the semi- anonymous nature of electronic print embraces the grey, perhaps even demands it as Pinterest fills in the 1,000s of words we can’t seem to find in our native tongues.

The black and white is easy: my father’s name is Bruce, he and my mother met at a costume party in college, my parents were married seven years, he remarried after their divorce, he had two more children, and he is living in Texas.

The grey is just grey: I don’t know my father’s middle name or how old he is, my parents met through a blind date where he was dressed as a pimp and my future mother a prostitute, my parents divorced because my father wanted to marry the woman he was having an affair with, my siblings are sweet and interesting individuals who know our father much better than I and bear much brighter scars (and whom I do not know as well as I would like because of time and distance), and my father may be dying in Texas.

See why I don’t want to write about him?  This man is part of my DNA and part of my story, more by his absence than by his presence.  He is the very identity of “What if…”  Each time my mind and heart wander to him they return quickly, unsure how much to feel, how much to trust, how much to hope for.  I hate the scars he has left on the rest of my family.  I hate that he does not care about me; a fact proven by almost a year of silence after emails last spring.  And I hate that I’m not going to get to understand why.

But…

I love the rest of this family (which means yes, there are crazy people but they’re mine).  I love that there have been other men in my life to show that this is not what a man, father, and person is supposed to be like.  And I love that these scars do not define my entire person.  And if I’m being honest, I love that if he reached out to me right now I would not turn him away, no matter the pain such an invitation guarantees.

So there is pain, confusion, love, acceptance, and always hope hiding at Tabor Space this afternoon.

Marathoning for Mortals Quiz

I’m about to write something that may shock my friends: I am a nerd.  I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourself about this completely unexpected revelation…

Are you okay now?  Alright.  The reason I share this “duh” statement is to explain this post.  Last fall I decided that it was time to start looking towards a real deal, 26.2 mile marathon.  I had a couple of reasons for this decision.  One was that some friends, and my mother, already thought I had run several marathons and it seemed time to prove them at least a little bit right.  Another was the marathon seems to be this runners life changing experience; a chance to see how far your feet really can go.  Finally I believed I could do it and wanted to see if that faith could be supported one day.  I wanted to prove myself right, and to prove my doubts wrong.

The first step was to put my money where my mouth was and register for a marathon.  I wanted an event in my own community, one that I could know some details about in advance and maybe even get a few friends to celebrate with me along the way (hint hint).  So in January I signed up for the Portland Marathon 2012.  Then I had a small panic attack.  And then I went to the gym because I so was not ready for a marathon.

Now back to that whole I’m a nerd thing.  Part of the way I’m preparing for October is by trying to run several times a week, and the other part is reading about normal people who have successfully completed one or more marathons.  A week ago I finished Second Wind, an autobiography from a middle-aged woman who competed a marathon on every continent and learn about her inner wisdom, warrior, princess, and b!#*h along the way.  What I loved about the book was her honesty and that she was a total back of the pack runner, not an Olympian in the making.

Next up is Marathoning for Mortals.  In the third chapter, the authors present a quiz to ask yourself what your strengths and struggles are going into this training program.  And since one of the things I want to come out of my running and lifestyle choices is encouragement for others, I want to share my answers here (using the multiple choice answers when given in the text).  I am fully mortal, and I am totally going to complete a marathon in 6 months.

  • What is your age? – 18-30
  • What is your gender? – Female
  • What is your weight? – I am 26-50 pounds over my ideal weight
  • Describe your health. – I have never had any health problems.
  • Describe your injury history. – I have had injuries, but they have since healed, and I am currently injury-free.
  • Describe your current activity level. – I participate in some form of continuous aerobic activity most days of the week (4-6 days).
  • Describe your past activity level. – I have been active for more than one year.
  • What is your training goal? – I would like to run the entire race. (the text didn’t have this exact option, but I want to run the race and not only finish it)
  • How many days per week can you commit to training? – 6 days per week.
  • How much time can you commit to training? – 8-10 hours per week.
  • List the top three factors that motivate you to exercise (e.g., lose weight, train with a group, follow a structured program, relieve stress, find time for myself, have a goal to reach for). – to learn more about who I could be, to lose weight, to explore
  • List your top three challenges to finishing this training program (e.g., lack of time, lack of motivation, lack of support). – lack of time, occasional loneliness, lack of motivation regarding weight training

So that is Mortal Meg, nerd and wanna-be marathoner.

Arguing with Megan

For over two years now I’ve been having a fight with the 6th grade version of myself.  Her name is Megan.  She has a little toddler brother at home, volunteered to play tuba in band without knowing what a tuba is, and is running on the final fumes of her elementary school popularity.  See her mom was a kindergarten teacher where she and all of her friends went, and everyone liked the mom so they liked the kid.  But by middle school, that connection didn’t matter any more.  What did matter was that Megan was a nerd, and an overweight nerd at that.  She was a bit of a daydreamer as well which didn’t help in connecting with middle school drama drama drama.

Upon graduating high school, I spent a summer working at camp and called myself Meg for the first time.  I liked the potential of the name; for some reason it just fit better even through nothing changed from the day before when Megan was packing up.  But as years have gone by, Meg has become more independent, prouder of her nerdiness and daydreaming, and no longer living under the legacy of her mother or grandfather (who has a powerful one as well).

So why am I fighting with this memory of Megan so often now, over a decade later?  Because Megan doesn’t understand my life.  She expected to be a marine mammalologist after college, to be married, and to be living in Alaska.  And she never expected me to pay $40 to get up at 6:45am on a Sunday to run for 6.2 miles.  Every time my alarm clock goes off earlier than it has to, so I get in a short run before work, Megan gives me an eye roll or very mature “Whatever!” and wishes I was getting up to watch Saved by the Bell instead.

This morning, during the Bridge to Brew 10K, I found myself silent for once against my inner pre-teen.  I recognized how completely crazy this notion of paying to run was.  Heck, I didn’t even stick around for the two free beers and clam chowder.  I haven’t quite figured out how to tell her that this summer we’ll have to begin training for a marathon in October (that just might give Megan her first panic attack).

For the rest of Megan’s expectations, I would love to swim with dolphins one day, I still hope for romance and marriage, and a trip to Alaska sounds great though my dream home would be overlooking the river Thames in London.  I can’t win my arguments with Megan because we just don’t see eye to eye anymore.  There is no way I can convince her that her gym teachers were right about exercise being fun sometimes, and that soda is not actually good for you.  And there is no way she can convince me that neon stretch pants, sneaking half a pizza, or candy poker games during recess are good things.

Sorry Sweetie, gonna play the grown up card and say we’re doing what I want to do, because I said so.